For as long as I can remember I've had a vision of the perfect man I thought I was destined to meet in college -- biracial, somewhat short, bookish, serious... A couple of days ago I realized that this is no longer what I'm looking for. Now when guys try to impress me with their intellect I turn away in disgust, and when I found a guy who fit the final three qualities I knew our life would not have the magic spark that it needed to sustain a long term relationship. He was my soul, but not my mate. As far as the first characteristic on my list, I still long for that elusive biracial man, but I'm learning that race mixing alone doesn't make one the perfect partner. What I have discovered is that instead of finding my dream guy I have become him. Not in gender of course but as far as the qualities I was looking for. I have become that biracial, bookish, serious girl, (and I have always been short). Maybe we always look for men who are a reflection of who we are or hope to be. Growing up I was not considered a scholar by any means. In my quest to become one I assumed that my ideal partner would exude the same qualities. I dreamed of his personal library of books rivaling mine, of having deep philosophical conversations over dinner, and of being in awe of his intellect that was a measure above my own.
As I get older and have become more scholarly I have also come out of my shell. No longer do I fear social gatherings or conversations with strangers. In fact now I gravitate towards them. While I still don't want a partner that I can't debate issues with or with whom I can't share stimulating conversation, I need someone who's not afraid to laugh at himself and who is in awe of my intellect. I need someone who is different from me in order to strike a healthy balance of interests and ideals. I need someone to challenge me not by their intimidating store of knowledge but simply by living life through their own individual and unique eyes. Whether this long term person ends up being O, who has his sports obsession and right wing politics, or with someone else who is different from me in their own way, I'm realizing that sometimes finding one's ideal partner is just a matter of looking inside oneself and possessing those qualities one wants in another.
That's a fascinating thought. I think you're probably right - that we tend to become that which we are looking for. And you're probably also right that the ideal mean that we were searching for (whose traits we end up embodying) isn't actually the type of person we need to end up with, it's who we hope to become.
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