The reluctant housewife of Orange County

In scripted TV, the beautiful driven woman always leaves the manipulative, controlling man. In Reality TV, she stays. The woman in scripted TV may struggle for awhile. She may sob to her girlfriends only to return to the one who made her cry, sure that her tears are her fault. But by the end of the script she is free of him and possesses a new sense of self-importance and the ability to realize her own worth. Reality TV tells another story -- and one sadly one that is much more frequently close to the truth.

Last night I finished Season One of The Real Housewives of Orange County. I'm hardly new to reality TV. I've watched Laguna Beach, The Hills, and Keeping up with the Kardashians religiously, while well aware that aspects of the shows are scripted. What I know is never scripted though is the actual relationships between the men and women. The producers may decide when and where they meet, but what they say is all them.

Laguna Beach was my first initiation into relational Reality TV (as opposed to competitive, like Survivor). At the time I was trying to get over T, who to this day is the man I still feel was closest to "the one." While he said I was his favorite contemporary author, put my novel behind a glass case, spent hours talking with me, taking dance lessons, and my holding hand while ice skating in the park (among other acts of intimacy that I won't get into), he was so elusive that I would go weeks without hearing from him, breaking plans just by not showing up to them. During this time, I was flipping through channels one night and got hooked on Laguna. When Jason got tired of his girlfriend Jessica and started retreating, Jessica latched on even tighter, going so far as to text him while snowboarding with her girlfriends, sitting in the snow in the middle of a slope with snowboarders rushing down the hill all around her. Suddenly I became completely mortified by the drunk, crying messages I’d left on T’s phone and the time I saw his truck leaving a parking space and tried to chase him down the street with hands full of groceries. He was in no way manipulative and controlling like the other men I'll describe here, but I was still doing myself a disservice by letting a man make me miserable.


In The Hills, Audrina was always eager to reunite with "Justin Bobby" even though their coupling had to be on his terms and with no claim at exclusivity on his part. She was supposed to remain otherwise unattached. Then Kourtney Kardashian kept taking Scott back even though he was a violent alcoholic. And yesterday I started mutely yelling at the TV when 24-year-old Jo took back 40-year-old Slade, crying that she had failed him even though he was the one who made her stay home with his kids (who only came to visit twice a week) instead of getting a fulfilling job to go with her corporate degree. She "failed" by going back to work against his orders.


While Jason and Scott knew they were jerks, Slade had no idea. He is the kind of man who is convinced that he is the quintessential nice guy, but in reality is down right abusive with the way he separates his fiance from everything that would interest her, speaks to her in a condescending voice with phrases like "That's unacceptable behavior," and insists that any unhappiness is her fault. She could have had anyone she wanted, and instead she stayed with one of the most "charming" abusive men I have ever seen.

I worry about the next generation and the messages that young women are being sent by the actions of those they watch on TV. And part of my worry is because I do see this sort of relationship being played out in real life, with me -- and with many others. I wonder though if Reality TV makes us put up with abusive men less because we do see it on the screen. One can always assert that scripted TV isn't real life, and while Reality TV isn't real life either, seeing a woman put up with crap from the man who is supposed to love her makes us cringe in a way that putting up with the abuse ourselves might not. Things are always more clear without emotional attachments, and maybe seeing these men take advantage of these beautiful, confident women and make them into subservient crying messes will help real live women to avoid the same fate. Maybe if Reality TV had existed in the mid-90s, it wouldn't have taken me so long to break up with my "charmingly" manipulative and controlling boyfriend D.

I won't admit that Reality TV is the best way to be spending my time, but there are positives to everything, and every time I yell at the screen over a messed up relationship I feel it makes me that much stronger regards to not putting up with any abuse myself. And while some of these girls never seem to free themselves of their controlling partners, the producers of the show are well aware that female viewers will be disgusted by the subservience and present the relationship in such a way that we know they are disgusted as well (though they also sadly know it makes for good TV -- just think of Spencer and Heidi). It also makes me cringe at bleached blond hair, yellow skin, and fake boobs -- all of which Jo has thus far avoided, at least in Season One. I want to take her natural drive and beauty, see it in myself, and not be her, by not letting any man -- or reality show -- stand in my way.

Full Dis-clothes-ure

My online dating experience took on a new look recently when I made use of the webcam built into my computer. Using the webcam wasn't my idea. Rather it was the idea of two men who had each contacted me through Plenty of Fish. Shortly after signing on with Plenty of Fish I learned of its reputation for being a sexual hookup site, but I stayed on for awhile hoping to find a diamond in the rough, with a disclaimer in my profile saying that I was not looking for sexual encounters. This disclaimer was even more important because men seemed to latch onto my (covered) breasts in my profile photo more than on anything I had to say.

A few days ago a guy popped up to chat. Normally I ignore these requests, but he was good looking, spoke proper English, and didn't make a comment about my breasts. After some pleasant conversation he asked if he could see me via webcam, and I assented. He praised my smile and my overall look, but then began to turn raunchy, asking to see my breasts. I declined, and he quickly lost interest. Yesterday I closed my account at Plenty of Fish, but today decided to answer someone I had met through that site who I had added to my yahoo messenger site. (I use yahoo for people I meet online because of its anonymity.) He asked if I'd had success at Plenty of Fish, and I said no, citing the previous encounter of "Bobby" asking to see my breasts, and the countless other men who had contacted me with a hint of vileness. We turned on our webcams, at his suggestion, and he immediately turned raunchy as well, commenting, as many men do, that my lips look very kissable. He then asked for a picture of my legs. Disgusted, I declined, and he disappeared. My third experience with the webcam came a couple days ago when another guy I had previously texted with asked to webcam as well, and he popped on without a shirt on, looked like a serial killer, and started off the conversation saying how good looking I am. I quickly said I had to go and took him off my messenger list.

This whole webcam thing has left me feeling slightly "meat-ified," and not in a good way. We know that men always check women out, and most of us, including myself, do the same when we scope dating profiles, bars, guys behind us in line at the grocery store, etc. But what happened to wanting to know what someone's hopes and dreams are? Do we not really care about those things but just pretend we do? Are these men just being honest about their intentions while others are more skilled at playing the game? If either of these men (aside from serial killer) had asked about my job, my pets, my favorite movies, etc., I would have been more willing to take my clothes off eventually. Well, after a few in-person dates. But not only did these men not care to know about the inner me, they also didn't care to share about themselves. Now, there may be women out there who get turned on by a guy who sends them a picture of their gigantic penis, but most women I know would be more turned on by a guy who sent them a picture of their gigantic dog who they shower love upon. Most of us care more about the girth of a man's heart, not the girth of his loins. Why do so many men have such a hard time realizing this?

The emergence of webcams brings dating to a whole new level no matter how one uses it and what one's intentions are. If speed dating was once the wave of the future, it has been replaced by "dating" that can take five seconds instead of five minutes. I knew within five seconds that I did not like shirtless guy. However, much of my dislike might have been the fact that he was shirtless. Can you imagine going on a first date with someone and having them take their clothes off at the restaurant? It seems to speak of a certain desperation and a childlike mentality of "I'll show you mine if you show me yours." It also takes away all chivalry, all adherence to the natural process of dating, and all sense of communing with fellow human beings. It places us as Hottentots in the midst of carnal lust and judgment. I recently lowered my standards a bit because of my disability, thinking maybe I've been too reserved in regards to the mental image of my future mate. But today all that reservation returned. Whoever I spend my life with will be someone amazing, smart, mature, family-oriented, and who doesn't ask to see my breasts but rather expresses physical intimacy as an outward expression of the love he feels for me. He also won't be the "infamous O" who has turned to crazy house parties and nightly sexual rituals that shake the walls. My faith in the male species has been shaken as of late, but male maturity is out there... Somewhere.