This may sound conceited but for the past few months I've felt destined to be with someone incredible. My best gay friend J laughs at me, saying, "Of course whoever you end up with will be incredible, or else you wouldn't be with him." While I understand how silly my statement may sound, to me it's self-affirming to a point that feels unreasonable. After all, I married my first husband with a sense of resignation and the feeling that "This is who God has for me." But on the other hand, feeling like the luckiest bride on the world seems completely within reason for a second, and hopefully final, marriage.
With every man I meet I feel there are two sides to my personhood struggling for dominance and ultimate definition: namely, the sick me and the well me. The sick me is on disability, has anxiety, makes no money, can't drive, and can't lead the life of a normal adult. The sick me also came from a dysfunctional background, had a dad in prison, had an abusive stepfather, went to a college that accepted anyone who met the minimum requirements, got an 880 on her SATs, and is a divorced virgin. The sick me does not feel like a worthy me. The well me, on the other hand, is someone who pulled herself up by her bootstraps, was said by an undergrad professor to be the best English department graduate in the past 10 years, is a published author, is wise beyond her years, thinks Moby Dick is the best novel ever, and has caring qualities that would make any man lucky to have her.
The well me is excited by this potential prospect, and the sick me is nervous, like I have something to hide. On the other hand, I feel confident that if anyone is able to understand the complexity of my personhood it is a biochemist/physicist, and sickness and wellness aside, his and my interests line up more than those of anyone else I've been in contact with in the past year. Also, while I assume he's not a divorced virgin, he is divorced. As my grandma advised me regarding my "hang out session" with D coming up in the next week (see my entry from March 1, 2010 for a refresher) I will go into this possible match-up taking it slow and easy. I beam, however, at the knowledge that he picked me. Maybe my intuition isn't so unreasonable after all.
Ooh! He sounds ike a keeper! I have to admit - the smart guys do it for me too. ;)
ReplyDeleteYou know, I think in a way, we all have a "sick me" and a "well me" inside us. I realize you mean it literally, but as you were writing, i definitely connected with both emotional states you described. Some days i feel on top of the world, ready to conquer anything. Other days i feel like a complete loser who can't figure out which way is up. It's an interesting picture to think of those as two different people inside us, vying for center stage.
we are all sick in some ways and well in others...i've come to realize, for me, that every human being can reveal something about him/herself that [s]he very well could have kept hidden...humans are like that lol
ReplyDeletego easy, relax, and have a good time. it sounds like one : ]
Nice, I thought people would be able to relate. :)Guess I should have included that in my post.
ReplyDelete--The DWAD Blogger
Have fun with Captain Smarty Pants. Intelligence is a big factor in attraction for many of us nerd girls! A great match and finding someone who respects and supports your own unique strengths and challenges would be uber-fabulousness. I am pulling for you on your journey and like other posters said, we do all have a bit of a sick/well dichotomy. My latest gig is to enjoy the well days to the absolute fullest extent possible and survive the sick days. I could probably learn more through the sick days, but hey-survival is good, too. ;)
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing this post.
Yes, and not just intelligence but humility and lack of arrogance as well. It's a hard combination to come by!
ReplyDelete--The DWAD Blogger