3..... 2..... 1.

The older I get, the more obsessed I become with finding some magic formula to make a man love me. Last year I read Why Men Love Bitches, Why Men Marry Bitches, Flirtexting, Make Every Man Want You, and How to be Wanted. I read countless articles about the clothes men like, how much makeup men like, the sexual positions men like, the kinds of things you should and shouldn't talk about, if you should wear your hair up or down, if you should or should not wear nail polish, and if you should call him or wait for him to call you. Then today I had my first therapy appointment for that thing that happened in my past which I cannot talk about. After the therapist heard the half hour version of my dysfunctional past, she said she would help me learn how to get my needs met in relationships. My tough and flippant facade was torn right down as I said between tears, "I can have needs?"

There are, of course, some needs that I've known I can have for some time, including the need to be emotionally and physically attracted to my partner. Unfortunately Captain SmartyPants was great on paper and great on the phone, but the spark was just not there in person. He texted after the date saying how much fun he had, and I texted back to be polite and because I want to give it one more shot before throwing in the towel. But as it's been four days now with no further contact, maybe he has realized that there is just nothing there. D, on the other hand, seems to have moved from "are we friends or something more" to "something more." I regret that I cannot tell you the details of this particular date due to us having mutual friends and my unexpected desire to maintain his privacy, but I will say that it was the best date I've had in a long time, and perhaps the most traditional date ever. The sparks were there, serious conversation was there, joking around was there, and mutual respect was definitely there.

I've been hooked on this season of The Bachelor, and just like with the self-help books I study and analyze who gets roses and who doesn't. On the surface it seems like the most unemotional yet emotionally available girls win the guy's heart. In romantic comedies it's the girl who runs away from love as it chases her down the street. But in real life, it's probably more akin to the episode of How I Met Your Mother where Lily falls apart at the sight of Marshall with another woman -- where she's not only emotionally available, but downright emotional. Sure, the episode may just be placating us girls who fear our wants and needs will drive men away, but as I sat on the proverbial (and actual) couch today, I was prodded to see emotions as healthy and normal. Now, this doesn't mean freaking out like I often do in an episode of PMDD, but it means recognizing that it's okay -- and even better -- to just be myself. Maybe it's the Not Feeling Worthy of Love that keeps me from getting it, not unworthiness itself.

And in fact, myself is just what I presented to D on our hang out / date / whatever it was. Sure, there was some strategy to winning D's affections. I spent time on my wardrobe, hair and accessories. But other than that I was just me. No game play, no falsity, and no thinking about what I should and should not say. I slipped by essentially apologizing for something after our date that didn't need an apology -- which is a defense mechanism I definitely need to work on. But as I wait expectantly for our next encounter, my therapist's words calm my over-analytical brain: You are worthy of love, just the way you are. No apologies, no exceptions.

Here is a link to a great article on the subject of needs:

Are You Too Needy? (Hint: The answer is not what you'd think!)

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(Oh, and the third guy I mentioned in my previous post? He got the boot after asking me if my "hanging out with a friend" on Friday night was actually a hot date. Well, it ended up being just that, but after only two emails and one text it definitely wasn't an appropriate question, and was, instead, a definite red flag. Maybe there are rules after all.)