In closing I would like to say...

To all my wonderful readers (aka my personal friends):

With the sleep apnea diagnosis and my use of the CPAP machine, I no longer consider myself disabled. I've retrained my body to be able to walk on a treadmill and drive, I'm back to being able to read for school every day, and I've just landed two freelance jobs.

Because of all these other commitments, I'm going to step down from this blog for the foreseeable future. I leave you with the following fun facts:

1) I have plans to meet with Middle Eastern "S" on Sunday -- a 26-year-old recent immigrant student looking for a road trip buddy,

2) I've been emailing back and forth with Pacific Islander "R" -- a hard-working painter, musician, writer who is recovering from war injuries,

3) And I'm planning to ask my white massage therapist "C," who will be biking from Alaska to Argentina, if he wants to join me for tango lessons (with my new and improved, functional body!).

I end this blog with some questions answered. I now know that men chomp at the bit to devirginize a woman no matter how old she is. I know, through my roommate's successful relationship that blossomed through OkCupid, that sometimes men just aren't very photogenic and if there's any inkling that they might look better in person than on the computer screen, I should give them a chance. Lastly, I learned that right when you think your health won't improve... Bam!... you get an answer.

So, lovely readers, don't give up on yourself and don't give up on love. Laugh at those first dates that don't work out, don't try to change an elusive man, and it's okay to cry over things that don't work out, as long as you dry your tears and get back up, fighting.

She Ventures Forth

In the U.S. we're obsessed with finding "The One." When we have relationships that don't end in marriage, we tend to see them as either stepping stones for our "real" relationship, or as stumbling blocks that have gotten in the way of our true path and destiny. The mindset of "The One" is what The Bachelor is based on. Never mind that the Bachelor is always sure his future wife is in the room of 25 women that the show has picked out for him, and never mind that he is (almost) always sure he has chosen the "right one" at the end of each season. This quest for perfect wedded bliss is what draws so many women into the series. We judge the female contestants based on what they do or don't do, and we try to mirror those in our own relationships so that we can find our special one. Even if we don't out and out say that we are mimicking or rejecting their behavior, I'm sure many of us sit in front of the TV screen going "Of course he rejected her," or, "What a nut case." Let's admit it, at times even the best of us can be catty bitches.

Women watch The Bachelor for the very same reason that it is criticized and made fun of. In all of its 14 seasons, only two couples have actually gotten married. One bride was the runner up swapped for the winner after the show was over, and the other couple weren't even on The Bachelor but The Bachelorette. Every other couple has split up, and often rather publicly. Not that there haven't been other Bachelor weddings, but these are made up of contestants who meet each other at Bachelor reunion events. Which makes sense. Let's face it, a room full of 200 plus people making up an equal number of men and women is much more likely to have lasting hookups than one contestant with 25, especially when the one goes around making out with multiple women at once.

As I watched the "Women Tell All" reunion episode tonight, it struck me that while the show purports to be about finding the ONE love of your life, maybe it isn't really so much about the destination as it is about the journey. What struck me today is that the current bachelor, Brad Womack, wouldn't let any girls apologize for anything they thought they did wrong. Ashley H., who had his heart from the beginning and let insecurity overwhelm her as the show went on, apologized to Brad on stage saying that she was at fault for things ending badly. He replied with something to the effect of, "Never apologize, because you are an exceptional woman. Maybe I just wasn't the guy to bring out that confidence in you." And really, can you blame her? I would be insecure too if a guy I had a great date with started kissing all these other girls. Who wouldn't get jealous? He had also sent away Ashley S. -- a girl much like myself who always has great first dates and then the guy says he's not looking for anything -- and she asked Brad tonight what he meant when he said she would make someone a wonderful wife, but not him. "Who am I to say if you would make a good wife or not?" he responded kindly, helping the girl realize she was not defective, just one girl that one guy didn't want to spend the rest of his life with. Who knows, this may all be a plot by the producers to boost women's ego and have them continue to watch the show, but it worked for me.

For the first time in a long time, my head is filled not with finding love, nor my medical condition, but with an entrepreneurial endeavor. For the past day and a half my roommate and I have been consumed with a business venture that kind of took on a life of its own. While because of my anonymity I won't go into the details of my idea, it combines my love of writing, my sappiness, my non-traditional upbringing, and my plethora of gay friends. Suddenly I'm not worried about what I will say to D or when I should say it. I write what I want, when I want, and he responds. In between his responses I'm not thinking about when I will receive the next one but am lost in my current project. Finally I have something I can focus my attention on even when in flareups, and with this quest, it's all in my hands. I do believe "The One" is out there, but making my own way is what's important right now. As is knowing that all those relationships that didn't turn into marriage (and the one that did) were not roadblocks or stepping stones but merely connections made between two people that had a start time and an end time. Sometimes things really are just that simple.

Brainhilda's Reservations

I've been watching a lot of romantic comedies lately, in part because I like them and in part because Brainhilda* likes predictable plots. Because of this self-imposed survey of the cinematic genre, I've noticed some patterns in regards to the way love and work is portrayed on the screen. Right now I'm watching No Reservations for the first time, and while it's just starting I already know how it will end -- the workaholic and stick-in-the-mud (but shockingly beautiful) chef will first hate and then love the easy spirit male chef who she gets thrown into contact with. Now, this observation isn't entirely original. I read an article about this phenomenon about a year ago in regards to movies like Knocked Up which pair anal women with easy-going men. But after reading the article I am even more aware of the phenomenon's presence. I know exactly why films like No Reservations exist. It comes from a transition of female gender roles. Catherine Zeta-Zones' character most likely had to prove herself as a woman in the workplace. Especially as a beautiful woman who could have become a model or an exceptionally striking housewife. Aaron Eckhart's character, by comparison, is expected to be a professional in his field. He might have had to overcome battles like finances, but as a (white) male, no one would look at him and not take him seriously, especially because he's good looking. Therefore Jones' character assumes an air of a fighter, and Eckhart is free to be goofy and in need of a woman to make him take on more responsibility. And what these films' resolutions tells us is that as professional women we will never be content, fully-functioning human beings capable of love, unless we let loose and not take ourselves too seriously.This is compounded in the above mentioned film, as she raises her niece after the mother dies, and tells her therapist that she lacks the maternal instinct. No doubt Aaron Eckhart will help her find it.

My family is dealing a lot with gender role reversals and challenges right now because of the economy, as is much of the world. One cousin struggles to get a job after obtaining her master's degree while her partner hangs onto his government-based position by the skin of his teeth. Another cousin's teaching position is also being drastically cut as she struggles to raise two children. My sister's nursing program is on the verge of being blocked to future applicants, and my aunt is struggling to find full time and permanent work, as a professional who has entered the workforce in her 40s. And me, well, my state disability program is being threatened to be cut as well, leaving my $339 a month income and free medical care in a precarious position. (I just hired a lawyer to appeal the denial of my social security claim.) The men, while employed, are all facing similar cuts to services and to the ability to create retirement nest eggs as well as help their grown children. The dating service for working professionals that my roommate joined is now calling incessantly trying to find new clients, no doubt losing present clients to changes in income. And my roommate herself is facing a possible layoff next year.

What does all this have to do with gender roles? And what does it have to do with dating with a disability? It means this: On the one hand, the fact that I can't make my own money is less of an issue because many women are in the same situation. On the other hand, that same fact is more of an issue, because while I don't want a man to provide for me, there's less of a chance that he will be able to as well. And with my condition, I can't even think of having children without a full-time nanny to give Brainhilda a break from noise and to get kids to school early in the morning, even though I've always been against the thought of nannies. When a woman in this century thinks about what is expected of her, and how she should wrestle with competing expectations and wishes involving work and home, my female friends, family and I are always wondering if we're making the right decisions. In a way I have more in common with the women I'm in contact with right now than I would if the economy was better. In a way it's as if we're all disabled. We all can not obtain the life we want, and we all have to make adjustments and sacrifices. Will my future sister be able to pay for the wedding of her dreams? Will my cousin's boyfriend make enough to feel like he can get married and have children? Will I find a responsible, care-free man who rolls with the punches that life, the economy, and Brainhilda bring? Will he not only be okay with my professional, academic nature that might rival his own, but also be okay that I don't make an income, don't cook, have a motherly heart but not a motherly brain, and have an independent nature in a somewhat dependent body? We're all struggling to find our places -- every one of us. And maybe the current romantic comedy trend is in part so successful because while the women "need changing," the men are attracted to them because of their strong spirits. And no faulty economy can take that away.

(To see a refreshing change in the genre, I highly recommend the movie Just Wright. It's one of the only movies I've seen where the woman is loved exactly as she is and doesn't change one bit. Three cheers to Queen Latifah!)

*Brainhilda is a term coined by Carole Starr, a violinist who has suffered a rare disorder following a brain injury, with symptoms almost identical to mine. My cousin recently heard her on the radio and she and I have since been in contact.