TV's Toughest Trainer

A few months ago I was watching The Biggest Loser, and someone was able to do something they hadn't done in a long time because of the emotional support of the trainer, Jillian Michaels. I can't remember now who the contestant was or what they did, but right after it happened I paused the TV and stepped on the treadmill. As of a year ago I haven't been able to handle the motion of the conveyor under me, so my treadmill had stood unused, and every day not spent on it felt like a defeat. But on that particular day I stepped on, set it to the very slowest speed, and willed my legs to walk forward and my brain to allow my legs to do so. For the first minute my legs weren't sure, much like a toddler isn't sure of her first steps. My legs were stiff and I became dizzy, but I pressed on. After the first minute my legs suddenly had no problem keeping pace with the conveyor (well, while still on its lowest speed). My brain cleared and suddenly what had been so hard became easy. I stayed on the treadmill for an entire five minutes.

The day after this tremendous victory, my body and brain were so slow that I couldn't stand any noise including my own voice, couldn't follow moving objects on the TV screen, and had to use the walker because it took so much effort to lift my right leg. But because of The Biggest Loser, after my episode cleared the following day, I stepped back on the treadmill and did just one minute instead of five. The day after that I had absolutely no ill effects, and since that time I've been keeping steady at 5-minute increments about two or three times a week.

On this past Monday's episode, Jillian confronted a contestant who acted out of fear in order to keep himself in the game. From what I've seen of the Biggest Loser, hard work is the one sure factor in being able to complete your weight-loss journey. Anyone who participates in calorie-consuming game play most often sabotages himself, doesn't lose weight, and goes home. It can be easy to judge the contestants from the couch, but I can't imagine being there in that moment, fearing that you are going to lose your trainers and have to continue your weight loss journey at home with no professional staff to keep you from caloric temptations. While I don't have a problem with eating too much, I do live in fear and act in a way that ultimately does just damage I was trying to avoid. Jillian, knowing the root of this particular contestant's insecurities, wrapped her tiny frame around this huge man and stated, "Don't create the very outcome you fear."

This message really rings true to me right now because I'm wrestling with some information that I've recently learned about my past. Regardless of whether what has happened in the past is affecting my current health, it has contributed to my tendency to create outcomes I fear. I worry about my money disappearing so I spend it all while I have it, which makes it, of course, disappear. I worry about my cold so I take Sudafed which just makes my cold worse because of the medication's side effects. I worry that men I'm interested in are about to leave, so I try to convince them to stay which of course then makes them leave. This circle of destruction isn't that different from the food addict's who scarfs down a jelly donut because he's down on himself for being fat. (For critics of the show, from what I can tell it has grown from being exploitative in its first seasons to medically sound and emotionally therapeutic in its more recent ones.)

I can't erase what happened in my past, and I can't hop on a treadmill right now and start running, or drive the car down the road, or move my body quickly enough to be able to throw fast punches. But every time I conclude that I can't do something, I need to test and retest that theory to make sure it's true. There is no one to save me from what happened. But I got through it. And I'll get through this as well.

Jillian and Me

Last night/this morning I got the urge to expand on my experience with Jillian Michaels. It all came about because I got hooked on a season of Biggest Loser Australia. Australian TV shows are different than their American counterparts... They show new episodes about four nights a week but the seasons last just as long. You do the math. So when I took a medication that made me gain 25 pounds in three months, I went off of it and used Jillian's 30-Day Shred to rid my body of the unwelcome weight.

"I want you to feel. like you're going. to die." Yes, Jillian, Yes! The sweat pours off my medically-induced hyper-hydrous body as I raise the weights to the ceiling in defiance of weakness. I do jumping jacks and more jumping jacks, until my legs burn. Then down on the floor for push ups and crunches, with Jillian making torture devices out of my own body. It hurts but the happy endorphins are running all over the place and I feel like a million bucks. "You want abs like this, ladies? They don't come for free." I remind her that mine did come for free until age and illness caught up with me. Now I push my body like I did in high school cross country, pounding out the repetitions until my body can go longer--go farther. It's mind over matter, and my mind is strong.

But my body is not.

Physically, yes. Healthily, no. I have the strength, but if I exert it too often my body revolts and shuts down, and I'm left with repetitive strain injuries that limit my normal range of motion. It's a contradiction that gets me every time. Six months later and my shoulder is still paying for what Jillian Michaels did to it. I can raise my arm above my head again but I still have to take ibuprofen every night before bed. Sorry Jillian... It was fun while it lasted, eh Mate? Good thing one of the contestants frequently won the weight goal just by walking around the property. Treadmill, here I come.